The Four Horsemen That Predict Divorce, and the Antidotes That Work

If you’ve spent any time reading about relationships, you may have run into the phrase “the Four Horsemen.” It comes from the research of Dr. John Gottman, who, with Dr. Julie Gottman, has studied couples for decades, including watching closely how they argue. One of the most useful findings from that work is that it isn’t whether couples fight that predicts trouble. It’s how.

Gottman identified four patterns that, when they become habits, predict relationship breakdown. He named them after the four horsemen of the apocalypse, which is dramatic, but fair. I use these ideas every week with couples in my Omaha practice, because once you can name them, you can start to catch them.

Here they are, along with the antidote for each.

1. Criticism

What it is: Criticism is attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific behavior. A complaint says, “You didn’t call when you were running late, and I was worried.” Criticism says, “You never think about anyone but yourself.”

Words like “always” and “never” are a giveaway. So is anything that starts with “What’s wrong with you?”

The antidote: gentle start-up. Raise the issue by talking about your own feelings, describing the situation without blame, and asking for something specific. A simple formula: “I feel ___ about ___, and I need ___.”

So instead of “You never help with the kids,” try: “I’m worn out from doing bedtime every night this week. Could you take Tuesday and Thursday?” Same issue. Very different conversation.

2. Contempt

What it is: Contempt is communicating from a position of superiority. Sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering. It says, “I’m better than you.” Gottman’s research identified contempt as the single strongest predictor of divorce among the four, which is why I take it seriously when I see it.

Contempt usually grows from long-simmering negative thoughts about a partner that never got resolved. By the time it shows up as an eye-roll, it’s been building for a while.

The antidote: build a culture of appreciation and respect. This means regularly noticing and saying what your partner does right. Not as flattery, but as a habit of attention. Thank them for filling up the car. Mention that you liked how they handled your mother at Thanksgiving. Over time, this changes what you’re scanning for.

It sounds simple. It is simple. It’s just not easy when you’re angry, which is why it has to be practiced when you’re not.

3. Defensiveness

What it is: Defensiveness is protecting yourself from a perceived attack, usually by making excuses or turning the complaint back around. “I didn’t take out the trash because you didn’t remind me.” Or, “Well, you forgot my birthday last year.”

Defensiveness is completely human. Almost everyone does it. The problem is that it tells your partner their concern doesn’t matter, and it escalates the fight.

The antidote: take responsibility. Even for a small part of the problem. “You’re right, I said I’d handle it and I didn’t. Sorry.” Taking responsibility for your part doesn’t mean accepting all the blame. It means you’re willing to own your piece, which tends to make it much easier for your partner to own theirs.

4. Stonewalling

What it is: Stonewalling is withdrawing from the interaction. Going quiet, looking away, turning to your phone, leaving the room without a word. The stonewalling partner often believes they’re keeping the peace. The other partner experiences it as being shut out.

Gottman’s research found that stonewalling is often a response to flooding, a state of physiological overwhelm. Heart rate climbs, stress hormones surge, and the ability to listen and problem-solve drops off sharply. At that point, you aren’t going to have a productive conversation no matter how hard you try.

The antidote: physiological self-soothing. When you notice you’re flooded, say so and take a break. Something like: “I’m too worked up to listen well right now. I need twenty minutes, and then I want to come back to this.” The Gottmans recommend breaks of at least 20 minutes, spent doing something calming rather than rehearsing your rebuttal. Walk around the block, breathe slowly, read something unrelated. Then come back.

The coming back part is essential. A break without a return is just stonewalling with better manners.

The 5:1 ratio during conflict

Another finding from Gottman’s research gives couples something hopeful to aim for. In stable, happy relationships, couples have roughly five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict.

That doesn’t mean you need to avoid negativity. Disagreement, frustration, and complaints are part of any real relationship. It means the positive moments, like a touch on the arm, a bit of humor, an “I see your point,” or a nod that says you’re listening, outweigh the negative ones even while you’re arguing.

If your arguments feel like they’re running closer to one-to-one, or worse, that’s useful information. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It means you know what to work on.

Spotting the Horsemen in your own house

Here’s an exercise I sometimes suggest. For one week, don’t try to change anything. Just notice. When an argument happens, whether it’s over the thermostat in January or whose family gets you for the Husker game, ask yourself afterward:

• Did I start with a complaint or a criticism?
• Was there any eye-rolling, sarcasm, or mocking, from either of us?
• When my partner raised something, did I defend or did I listen?
• Did either of us shut down? Was one of us flooded?

Most people find they have one or two go-to Horsemen. That’s actually good news, because it gives you a short, specific list of things to practice.

Getting help with the Four Horsemen in Omaha

Knowing about the Horsemen is a great start. Changing them is harder, especially when they’re grooved in by years of habit. That’s where couples therapy helps. In session, I can catch these patterns as they happen and coach you through the antidote in real time, which is very different from reading about it.

My Gottman-informed couples therapy draws heavily on this research, and my work on communication and chronic conflict puts these skills into everyday practice. If you want a structured plan, The Dynamic Duo package includes nine communication-skills sessions after an initial assessment.

If you see the Horsemen showing up at your house, call me at (402) 306-4842 or request an appointment. These patterns can change, and the sooner you start, the easier it tends to be.