No. 1Couples & Marriage
What the Gottman Research Found
Over decades of studying real couples, including watching them discuss conflicts in a lab while tracking things like heart rate, the Gottmans identified patterns that predict whether a relationship is likely to thrive or struggle. A few of the findings I use every week:
- The Four Horsemen. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are the communication habits most strongly linked with relationship breakdown. Contempt is the most damaging of the four.
- The 5:1 ratio. Stable couples have about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. Negativity isn’t fatal. Not enough positivity to balance it is the problem.
- Perpetual problems. Roughly two-thirds of couple conflicts are about lasting differences that never fully resolve. Happy couples talk about them with humor and respect instead of getting gridlocked.
- Bids and turning toward. Small daily moments of reaching for connection, and how partners respond, add to or drain what the Gottmans call the emotional bank account.
- Flooding. When your body goes into fight-or-flight during an argument, productive conversation becomes nearly impossible until you calm down.
No. 2Couples & Marriage
The Sound Relationship House
The Gottmans describe a healthy relationship as a house with seven levels, held up by two walls: trust and commitment. The lower floors are friendship: knowing your partner’s inner world (what they call love maps), sharing fondness and admiration, and turning toward each other’s bids. The middle floors are a positive perspective and managing conflict well. The top floors are making each other’s life dreams come true and creating shared meaning.
I find the framework useful because it shows couples where the cracks are. A couple who fights constantly may assume conflict is their problem, when really the friendship floors have worn thin and every disagreement lands on bare concrete. Shore up the foundation and the fights often get easier.
“Research tells us what happy couples do. My job is helping you actually do it at 9 p.m. on a Tuesday, when you’re both tired and annoyed.”
No. 3Couples & Marriage
What Gottman-Informed Couples Therapy in Omaha Looks Like
I describe my work as Gottman-informed. I lean on the Gottman research and tools without treating them as a rigid script, because every couple who walks into my office near 123rd and West Center is different.
In practice, you’ll learn the antidotes to the Four Horsemen: a gentle startup instead of criticism, a culture of appreciation instead of contempt, taking responsibility instead of getting defensive, and calming your body instead of stonewalling. We’ll practice them in session using real disagreements, and I’ll coach you as you go.
I combine this with dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which teaches skills for managing intense emotions, tolerating distress and communicating effectively, and with practical cognitive-behavioral tools for the thoughts that keep you stuck. The Gottman tools tell you what to do. DBT helps you stay calm enough to actually do it when you’re hurting.
No. 4Couples & Marriage
Who Gottman-Based Couples Work Helps Most
This approach fits couples who want structure and concrete skills, couples whose arguments escalate quickly, and couples who’ve drifted into parallel lives. It’s also excellent preventive work: my Pre-Marital Package is built on the Gottman research and helps engaged and newly married couples start out with strong habits.
Couples with more complicated histories, like an affair or years of resentment, benefit from the same research but usually need more than skill-building alone. That’s where my experience with difficult, long-standing issues comes in.
